


can't redo what's already done

by nasaofficial



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad Alec Lightwood, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, idk! how to tag still. i'm done, is it angst? idk, it ends on an uplifting note, it's nearly 1am i'm tired, kind of it doesn't happen but i don't want anyone to be surprised, lowkey hints at immortal alec at the end bc i love immortal alec okay, you and i both know malec is forever their love is eternal and i would die for them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 09:09:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19390987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nasaofficial/pseuds/nasaofficial
Summary: He wants to, he wants to so badly. He wants the pain to stop, he wants the anger to stop, he wants everything to stop.





	can't redo what's already done

**Author's Note:**

> what's up y'all
> 
> ok so tbh this is. word vomit. the majority of this i wrote months ago when i was... not doing well. i'm doing better now and feel less jumpy and on edge
> 
> this!! does have a lot of mental health issues and stuff that can come along with mental health issues like anxiety and depression. there is a lot of anxious and suicidal thoughts on alec's behalf and i would say it references self-harm similar to the way the show does (or did rip). alec does go on a ledge and contemplate suicide as well
> 
> so just keep that in mind before reading
> 
> okay the ending was written recently and it's not. necessary for u to know but i was listening to conan gray while writing it
> 
> title is from lookalike by conan gray (has no relevance to the actual content but! oh well)

He's tired. Alec Lightwood is tired. And he's empty and numb and powerless and he just wants to _feel_ something. 

So he goes to the one place where he knows some emotion, _any_ emotion will resurface. He'll take anything at this point. All this _shit_ regarding Jace and Valentine and the Clave has left him desperate, yearning for anything to make him feel as if he hasn't fucked everything up. 

And so he walks.

Alec walks and doesn't stop walking for a long time. He reaches the building, far enough on the outskirts of town and late enough at night that there's no longer the bustling of people one would normally anticipate.

At the top, he feels like he can finally take a breath of air. He inhales, taking in the feeling of fresh air filling his lungs, and then exhales, attempting to force out every single feeling weighing down on his shoulders. 

It doesn't work.

Alec wants to feel in control. Everything that's happened as of late has him feeling powerless, a feeling a Shadowhunter doesn't _want_ to feel. He doesn't think anyone wants to feel this way. It's almost as if his entire life has been set up in a way that creates the most amount of misery possible for him. And sure, maybe it's dramatic, but it _feels_ like everyone is leaving and everything is happening so fast and it's all a whirlwind of movement and he can't do anything to _stop_ it. He just wants it to stop.

Alec climbs onto the ledge.

He doesn't stand because he doesn't want to _die,_ he just wants to know that he has the choice. Of course, dying in the battlefield would be the more honorable death, a death that would shine a positive light on the Lightwood name, but who knows? Maybe on a day like this he could dodge a demon's talons just a split second too late and restore his family's glory--even if only a little bit.

Alec sits, his legs dangling off the side of the building. It would be too _easy_ to fall. Just scooting a foot forward and _oops._ There he goes. It would take so much more effort to _not_ fall. Swing a leg back behind him, then the other, and then plant his two feet on the solid ground. Plus, everything would end. He wouldn't have to feel numb ever again. He'd never feel guilty, or anger, or sadness. He'd never feel as if he disappointed his parents, his younger brother, his sister, his parabatai. He would be at peace.

Alec shakes his head. He'll hold out for a little longer. If not to see whether or not things get better, then for Magnus. 

Sighing, he swings one leg back over the ledge, looks down, and then swings the other over. Once he's facing the landing of the building, he rests his elbows on his knees and presses his palms into his eyes, trying not to cry. 

He'll come back here, he knows it. There's no other way for it to end. If he doesn't die in battle, he'll die by his own choice. 

***

The next time Alec’s on a ledge is at Magnus’ loft, during Max's rune ceremony. When Magnus brings it up, Alec tries to blame it on the warlock who made everyone distrusting of everyone else, but Magnus was persistent.

“Nothing was as devastating as seeing you standing on that ledge.”

“It was the magic. I would never--” 

“I know--”

“ _Never--_ ”

“ _I know._ ” Magnus pauses. “But magic doesn't create fears, only bring them out.”

“Magnus--”

“Look, you don't have to explain yourself. I've been through it myself… Just promise you'll tell me if things ever get that bad.”

Before Alec can say anything, the door opens.

And that's that.

***

He goes back. It's more habitual at this point. More often than not, Alec feels helpless. He has Magnus, he knows this, and he knows Magnus knows something is wrong. But he's not ready to tell him, not quite.

He does the same thing he did last time. Rather than feeling numb, Alec feels like there's an ache in his chest, a heaviness that he can't get rid of. He sits on the ledge and kicks his feet against the side of the building. This time, it's the dead of the night, the only natural light coming from the small sliver of the moon that's visible. The view is calming, Alec thinks, and he gets the very real and sudden urge to just say _fuck it all._

It's unsettling. Empowering, in a way, knowing it would be that easy, but mostly unsettling.

He feels tears well up in his eyes, but doesn't make an effort to get off the ledge. There's a slight breeze, tousling his hair and sending a shiver down his spine. 

He wants to, he wants to _so_ badly. He wants the pain to stop, he wants the anger to stop, he wants _everything_ to stop. 

He's crying, and he feels weak for it. He's so _conflicted,_ and he doesn't know what to do, how to handle this situation. Shadowhunters are supposed to rationalize their emotions, or better yet, _not have any,_ and here he was, sitting on a ledge and contemplating killing himself.

Alec reaches for his phone. His hands are shaking, and after a few seconds that seem to stretch on for _hours,_ he finally clicks what he needs to.

The thirty seconds it takes for the phone to be picked up are filled with so much panic on Alec's end that he can't _breathe,_ can't even cry because of how much he hurts.

“Hello?” The voice on the other end is groggy, and only then does Alec's panic decrease, the time of night becoming more apparent to him, but his primary focus is on the person on the other line. “Alec?”

“ _Magnus._ ” The name rips from him and it feels like a sob, another wave of emotions hitting him. He presses his free hand to his mouth to keep from sobbing into the phone.

“Alexander, darling, are you okay?” Magnus sounds much more alert after Alec basically sobbed into the phone.

Alec takes a moment before responding. He breathes in, forcing his voice to come out natural-sounding. “Yes. Yeah, I'm fine, just-just a little. Um, wound up.”

“Are you at the Institute? You can always come over if you need.”

“No, no. I'm not at the Institute, I'm… I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.”

“Darling, are you lost? It's late, almost two in the morning, are you sure you should be out?” Magnus asks, and he sounds so _concerned_ , and Alec doesn't know how to process that, doesn't know how to deal with the idea that Magnus worries about him.

“I'm not--I'm not lost, Magnus. I just… needed some air and I--I don't know. I don't know,” he whispers the last part, unsure of himself and why he called Magnus. “I just. Needed to talk to someone, I guess.”

Magnus breathes through the line. The rustling of movement on his end stopped, and Alec could tell he was thinking of the night of Max's rune ceremony. “Okay, I'm glad you called me. Do you… do you need me to come get you?”

“No, I. I'm fine. I just--needed to hear you.” The wind blows, much harsher than earlier and Alec _knows_ it transferred over the phone.

Magnus’ breath hitches. All he can think about is seeing his Alexander standing on a ledge, looking down over the city and thinking about stepping over. “Alec--Alec, where are you, darling?” 

“I'm--I'm on the outskirts of town. I--Magnus, it _hurts_ so much. My chest feels so heavy and it hurts but there's no physical wound and I just want it to _stop.”_

“I know, darling, I know. It will, soon, I promise. Could you give me a more precise location? I just want to see you, is that okay?” Magnus sounds like he's panicking, something Alec doesn't like, so he tells him the address of a nearby building.

“Okay, okay, thank you, I'll be there in two minutes, okay? I'm going to portal there, so I have to hang up, but I'll be right there, okay? Alec, please don't move. Just--just stay where you are, _please.”_

“Okay,” Alec whispers into the phone.

“I love you, Alexander. Please just--don't--I _love you,_ okay? I love you so much,” Magnus says, and then the line clicks and Alec starts to panic again.

He tries to take in a breath, but he _can't,_ it feels like his throat is closing up but he knows he _needs_ to breathe and all he can think about is jumping. It would fix everything and it's so easy. He could just lean forward far enough and it would only take a few seconds for everything to stop. Somehow the idea of everything ending in _seconds_ is what calms him down enough to take a breath. He still feels panic around his edges, but he's focused enough to make sure he breathes. 

Alec slouches down, crying into his hands until he hears the slight sizzling of a portal being opened. He hears footsteps and knows they belong to Magnus.

The sight that greets Magnus is absolutely heartbreaking--he can make out the shadow of Alec sitting on the ledge of the building, his feet dangling over the edge, shoulders hunched in on himself as if he's trying to make himself seem smaller.

Even though he wants to run over to where Alec is and pull him from the edge, he knows that frightening Alec would be number one on a list of worst things to do while someone is on the verge of suicide.

Instead, he very gently calls out to him, “Alec, baby, I'm here.” 

Alec doesn't respond, so Magnus keeps talking while walking toward him slowly. “Alexander, hey, I'm here. I'm gonna come stand next to you, is that okay?” Alec nods, his position not changing otherwise. “Okay, it's okay, darling, I'm right here.” 

Once he reaches Alec, Magnus lets out a deep breath, feeling much more secure in the fact that he's only an arm's reach away. “Can I… I'm gonna touch your arm, okay?” 

When Alec doesn't respond, the sound of his crying the only thing Magnus can focus on, Magnus lightly touches his shoulder, sliding his hand down Alec's arm until he reaches his hand, where he intertwines their fingers. This movement becomes the catalyst for an onslaught of rushed action that makes Magnus incredibly nervous. 

First, Alec grips Magnus’ hand extremely tightly, gasping out a sob. Sometime after that, Magnus coaxes Alec into turning around so his feet are no longer dangling. As soon as his feet touch the floor and he's no longer sitting on the ledge but rather leaning against the wall, Alec slides down so he's sitting and lets go of Magnus’ hand to cry into his own. Magnus slides down with him, shifting the both of them so that Alec is practically in his lap, a continuous mantra of “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me,” mixed into his cries.

Magnus holds Alec, a hand resting at the nape of his neck and the other on one of his knees. Magnus can only reply with, “It's okay, darling, you're safe now, I've got you,” and “I love you so much, Alexander, you have no idea.” 

They sit for a while, Alec’s face tucked away in the crook of Magnus’ neck while Magnus looks up to the sky and silently thanks whichever Angel made it so Alec was safe. He continues his whispering of calm reassurances in an effort to stave off a panic attack on Alec's behalf, though he's sure he's probably already had one.

Alec wants to go home. He’s sure plenty of time has passed-- _hours,_ he’s convinced. Alec composed himself the best he can. He had stopped sobbing a while ago, resorting to silent tears save for the occasional gasping breath he has to take. After a multitude of attempts at evening out his breathing, Alec speaks. “Can… Can we go home? I just… I don’t want to be out here anymore.”

Magnus has to strain to hear Alec properly, as he’s still tucked away in Magnus’ neck, refusing to pull away and make eye contact with Magnus. “Of course, Alexander, we can go anywhere you want.”

“Just--just the loft is fine, please,” Alec says, sniffling. He pulls away from Magnus’ hold, still avoiding eye contact, which Magnus notices. Alec stands up, Magnus along with him, and Magnus holds onto Alec’s hand tightly, opening a portal with the other. He leads the two of them through it, having chosen to portal directly into their shared bedroom in his loft. 

“Do you want to take a shower?” Magnus asks.

Alec shakes his head in response, “No, I just wanna go to sleep.” His reply was murmured, and Magnus’ heart broke a little more when he took in the sight of just how _exhausted_ Alec looked. 

“Alright, darling, but let’s get out of those clothes first, yeah?” Magnus hesitated at first, wondering if now was the time to use his magic but ended up doing so otherwise, changing them both into their sleepwear, his own being a matching pajama set while Alec’s was a worn-out sweater and a pair of joggers.

“Thank you,” Alec said, getting into the left side of the bed, facing towards Magnus’ side.

When Magnus got into bed, he situated himself so that he was sitting slightly upright and gave Alec the opportunity to rest his head on Magnus’ chest, which he gratefully took. As embarrassed as he was because of how much he cried, he was relieved that Magnus was still offering affection, and as he wrapped his arm around Magnus’ torso, Magnus brought a hand up to card through Alec’s hair. Alec sighed, tension leaving his body.

Before saying anything, Magnus waited a few minutes to see if Alec would fall asleep. When he realized that it would take awhile, he spoke up: “You know, I’m… I’m glad you called me, Alec. I--I know that must have been hard, especially with how things have been lately.” He paused, thinking of what to say next. “I love you so much, okay? I don’t know what I would do without you and it hurts just thinking about it.”

Alec closed his eyes halfway through Magnus’ miniature speech, overcome with emotion. He swallowed, making yet another attempt that night to compose himself. When he spoke, he sounded as if he was trying not to cry. “I love you too, Magnus. I--I’m sorry I scared you.”

“You don’t need to apologize, my darling Alexander. Just know that I’m always here for you. Anything you need, anytime.”

Magnus feels Alec nod against his shoulder, taking that confirmation as the end of the conversation. He settles against the bed, maintaining his movement of combing through Alec’s hair. When he notices Alec’s breaths have evened out and he looks peaceful, Magnus sighs, blinking up at the ceiling, and closes his eyes.

***

Alec wakes first. The first few seconds following the opening of his eyes, he feels content. Then, when the events of the previous night come to mind, he starts to feel overwhelmed. As tears spring to his eyes, he raises his eyes to glance at Magnus. Magnus, who he called in the middle of the night, Magnus, who dropped everything when he realized what Alec was doing, Magnus, who was so gentle in the way he treated Alec, Magnus, who he’s so desperately in love with and who loves him back. 

As if he’s aware of Alec’s stare, Magnus shifts slightly in his sleep and tightens his hold on Alec. And Alec, who has always dealt with a constant weight on his chest, one screaming at him to _do better, you’re never good enough and you never will be,_ feels that weight lessen. He’s beginning to breathe clearly now.

Though being in love with Magnus doesn’t automatically mean all of his problems will immediately cease to exist, Alec knows that a support system as strong as his will motivate him to be the best he can be. 

For the first time in his life, Alec doesn’t feel like his death is inevitable.

**Author's Note:**

> i did not read this over with the intention of editing i kinda was just like. huh. makes a little bit of sense and here i am. if u find any errors please let me know! thank you!
> 
> also just to reiterate: this is straight up just me throwing my feelings at a word document. if it's not completely cohesive i apologize but i wasn't really trying to do anything except vent. 
> 
> have a wonderful day


End file.
